Love

Let’s talk about love, shall we?

"Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct”

- Dr. Gary Chapman

Turns out, most movies had it wrong. It’s not the falling in love that we need, but a genuinely long-lasting love is the solace for our mental health.

Being loved and to love well in return.
It’s what I like to call the ‘I see you’ kind of love.

My Helmut and I have been married for 33 years, 6 months, and 32 days, so one might say I’d be an expert.

I am not.

Just last week on our 12,259th day of marriage, we had a foolish argument. Silly, because the reason was small and our stubbornness humongous.

Do not give in first, I told myself. Because all I could see was myself and my point of view. Harsh words were said. From both of us.
I could have loved better. Wiser.

Oh love!

On the Radio!

Big Heart, for the biggest love

10,568th day of marriage

The other day, I was interviewed by Dr Gary Chapman in his radio program Building Relationships about my book Sunday Evenings with Joni.

I was quite nervous— as you can imagine — because Dr Chapman knows a thing or two about love. He wrote The 5 Love Languages, a book that has helped countless people love deeper and better.

He must see right through me, I worried about my carefully built pretense that I have it all together…

But I didn’t have to worry. Our conversation was kind and real, while we spoke about Sunday Evenings with Joni, about love, and about seeing God’s love in difficult times.

And that— love in difficult times— is the ultimate love.

You have searched me, Lord,  and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise:
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
—
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

(From  Psalm 139)

I have never been loved as I am loved by God— It is the original 'I see you'.

Valentine’s Day (o yes, it’s coming…) feels loud next to that kind of love. The expectations and ads of a perfect love are impossible to meet in real life! 

I want to learn the love that sees.
In routines, in listening, in being present.
And in all its forms... between spouses, friends, neighbors, strangers—even in the brief moments at the check out line. 

This love is hard work sometimes, but it’s a good love.

I have found that I can do this best when I draw from a love that is larger than me, larger than life. God's love. 

I'm able to love more freely, because I am bountifully and fully loved by God. It is not something I understand completely, as the Psalmist said.. it's too lofty for me too wonderful, that the God of the universe loves me like that. But I'll take it!

I'll take it wholeheartedly. 

Before I leave you to go on with your day, I want to share a few quotes that spoke to me. Tips on loving better, freshly picked from Dr Gary Chapman's New York Times Bestseller's book, The Five Love Languages, the secret to love that lasts.

“For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, 
traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships.”

Ain't that the truth...

“We fail to reckon with the reality of human nature.
By nature, we are egocentric.
Our world revolves around us."

So true too!
Even if I don't want it to...but this makes loving so hard at times. The human nature does not automatically love with an 'I see you'-kind of love, but rather the 'Hello, how about ME!?!?'-kind of love...
But the good news? One can learn! 
Even after 12,259 days.

“We speak and understand best our native language. 
We feel most comfortable speaking that language.
The more we use a secondary language,
the more comfortable we become conversing in it.
If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone
else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited.
We must rely on pointing, grunting, drawing pictures,
or acting out our ideas.
We can communicate, but it is awkward.”

In a nutshell, Chapman in his book explains how everyone has their own language to receive or give love.
If I keep speaking to you in a love-language you don't understand, my love is difficult to feel and receive, despite my best intentions. 

I can promise you the world in Dutch,
but if you don't speak Dutch it doesn't mean a thing...

Chapman's five love languages are:
Words of Affirmation,
Quality Time,
Receiving Gifts,
Acts of Service,
and Physical Touch

And lastly, the quote we started with

“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love
but to be genuinely loved by another,
to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct.
I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me,
who sees in me something worth loving.
That kind of love requires effort and discipline.
It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort,
you too will find a sense of satisfaction ”

Let's love well ♡

Questions: 

1. Think of one woman in your life who has loved you well. A mother, a friend, an aunt, teacher, a daughter?What did her love look like — really? Do you love like her?

2. Write a few lines about the kind of love you want to practice this season. Not the dramatic kind — the faithful one.

   What does it look like? How will you be able to love like this, even when it's difficult?

3. Of the five love languages, which one resonates most with you? In giving or receiving?