'Marriage is the recipe for isolation and loneliness.'
These are not my words, but I read it somewhere. It's rather dramatic and I don't believe it is true. But it could be...
My husband and I have been married for 34 years. On our anniversary I posted a video on social media of Helmut and me over the years.
My goodness, what a life. Picture perfect!
The kids. Helmut and I. Our adventures.
I watched those 19 seconds over and over again—falling in love with the life of us.
But it wasn't like that.
Not at all.
The 34 years were far from perfect.
I mean, I didn't lie.
It was us, but it wasn't all of us.
There is so much more to our story.
Misunderstandings, lonely days, pride, and anger.
Thick walls around our hearts. Distance. We've seen it all.
I would honestly not know how our marriage would have survived without God.
He truly has been my number one counselor.
The 19-second video tells only one part of the story.
My heart holds the whole story.
Just as your heart holds yours.
And it is the whole story that matters.
In it I've experienced all of the feelings:
in love and out of love,
happy and sad,
in sickness and in health.
If Helmut or I had let every feeling lead us, we would not have lasted 34 years—probably not even 34 days.
The mind can be finicky that way.
Instead, I have learned how love is a place to be.
Not just an emotion to feel.
As if love is a room.
I'm in.
Or I'm out.
I'd like to be in.
It's a decision I'm learning to make mindfully.
Not based on how I feel, but on where I want to be at the end of the day.
I step into love.
And that's why it is important to speak well of your man.
And not just your man. Anyone who matters to you. Including yourself.
Speaking well of someone changes my perspective. It stops my feelings from having the final say. And strangely enough, the more good I speak, the more good I seem to notice.
And perhaps even more importantly, it changes me.
It brings me into the place of love.
As does laughing together, setting the table for a good meal, sending the text, showing up when it matters, standing beside one another...
Forgiving.
Encouraging.
Enjoying.
Choosing.
Cheering.
Honoring.
Seeing.
Staying.
Whatever the relationship, I want to step into love.
It is God who is teaching me all this. For He is love.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
...
And the God of peace will be with you.
—Philippians 4:8-9
Paul wrote this in his letter to the Philippians when he was in prison. As you can imagine, his circumstances were anything but lovely.
He doesn't pretend they are.
Instead, he tells us to dwell on what is lovely and true.
And I have found that doing so is stepping into love.
I learned a new phrase. Toxic positivity.
It describes the "stay positive" advice, "you can do this" affirmations, and a well-intentioned "look on the bright side."
Empty words we sometimes utter when we don't know what else to say.
Paul is not about toxic positivity.
The man is in prison. His predicament is real.
Only a few decades earlier, Jesus was crucified on a cross, and now Paul is preaching Jesus.
He could face death too. Yet he writes a letter that is filled with joy, gratitude, love, encouragement, and peace.
How?
Acknowledge what is true
There is no need to deny reality. Paul isn't pretending.
Earlier in Philippians he talks about imprisonment, suffering, opposition, anxiety, and even the possibility of death.
Paul knows what room he's physically sitting in.
But he doesn't let that room determine where his mind dwells.
Choose where your mind dwells — Philippians 4:8
Paul doesn't say everything is lovely.
He says:
whatever is lovely...
Think about that.
There might be twenty things that are annoying you about someone.
And five things you admire.
All twenty annoying things may be true.
But what does your mind dwell on?
There might be a hundred difficult things about your circumstances.
And only a few things left to be grateful for.
Dwell on those.
That is stepping into love.
You step into another room.
Speak well.
Send the text.
Set the table.
Forgive.
Encourage.
Show up.
Stay when staying is right.
Practice it — Philippians 4:9
Since our minds tend to linger on the difficulties, this is not easy.
That's why Paul says: "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice."
For a while I meditated on whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, and all that.
Try it.
Every time something negative comes to mind, work your way through the words. True, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy.
Don't rush.
Sit with them for a while and see where your mind takes you.
My mind surprised me.
I expected to be reminded of all the good things in my life, and that I would then be filled with gratitude.
Instead, it brought me back to God.
Away from my circumstances and toward Him.
Because I couldn't think of anything nobler, anything purer, or anything more lovely than God.
Who He is.
How He loves.
How He creates.
To me there was nothing more admirable.
And then I read verse 9:
"And the God of peace will be with you."
It doesn't mean everything difficult suddenly disappears.
But the God of peace is in the room.
0 comments